3 Truths
If They Wanted To, They Would. And Two Other Truths That Simplify Everything.
Most of the stress people carry around isn’t caused by what happened. It’s caused by wishing people were different than they are. Three truths about people that are uncomfortable to accept — and the peace waiting on the other side of them.
A client handed me her phone last week, mid-appointment, with a text conversation open. “Read this,” she said. “What does he mean?” I read it. It said, in its entirety, “ok.” She had been analysing it for two days. I have held a lot of things in my hands in thirty years behind the chair, but rarely anything as heavy as that one syllable.
[Switches to serious face.] What I told her is what follows. Life gets surprisingly peaceful when you stop arguing with reality.
Most of the stress people carry around isn’t caused by what happened. It’s caused by wishing people were different than they are. We invent excuses, write imaginary backstories, and convince ourselves that one more conversation, one more chance, or one more perfectly worded text will magically change everything.
It rarely does.
There are three truths about people that are uncomfortable to accept, but once you do, life becomes infinitely less complicated.
1. If They Wanted To, They Would
This one hurts because it leaves very little room for fantasy.
People spend hours dissecting text messages like they’re decoding an ancient civilization.
“They used a period instead of an emoji.”
“They watched my story but didn’t reply.”
“It took them seven hours and forty-three minutes to text back. What does that mean?”
Probably that they took seven hours and forty-three minutes to text back.
Humans have an extraordinary talent for turning silence into a full-length movie, complete with plot twists, dramatic music, and an ending that usually doesn’t exist.
Here’s the simpler explanation: people make time for what matters to them.
Not always immediately. Not perfectly. Life gets busy. People have jobs, families, bad days, and phones with dying batteries.
But effort leaves fingerprints.
Someone who wants you in their life finds ways to stay in it. Someone who doesn’t slowly turns every interaction into an excuse.
Stop becoming a detective in a mystery that never needed solving. Save your energy for people who don’t make you question whether they care.
“Effort leaves fingerprints.” — Someone who wants you in their life finds ways to stay in it.
2. You Cannot Change People
This lesson has probably funded half the self-help industry.
We all think we’re the exception.
“Once they realize how much I love them…”
“Once they get this new job…”
“Once they mature…”
“Once they understand how this affects me…”
Maybe.
But probably not.
You can support someone. Encourage them. Challenge them. Inspire them. Hold up a mirror. Stand beside them through difficult seasons.
What you cannot do is climb inside another person’s mind and rearrange the furniture.
People change for one reason: they decide to.
There’s an old saying: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
Modern version? You can send someone twenty podcasts, six books, three motivational quotes, and a heartfelt voice note. If they don’t want to change, congratulations. You’ve simply created a very well-informed version of the same person.
Stop confusing potential with reality.
Love people for who they are today, not for who you hope they’ll become five years from now.
You can lead it to water. That is where your authority ends.
3. You Are Responsible for Your Own Happiness
This is the hardest one because it’s also the least negotiable.
We spend so much of life waiting.
Waiting for the perfect relationship. The perfect job. The perfect body. The perfect amount of money. The perfect apology. The perfect moment to finally feel okay.
Life, meanwhile, continues without asking whether you’re ready.
No partner can permanently make you happy. No parent can rewrite your childhood. No therapist can do your healing for you. No best friend can carry your emotional weight forever.
People can help. They can love you. Support you. Walk beside you.
But they cannot walk for you.
Nobody is coming with a magic toolbox to repair every painful chapter of your life.
That’s both the bad news and the good news.
The bad news is that nobody is coming to save you.
The good news is that you don’t have to wait for someone else to start saving yourself.
Your life changes the moment you stop asking, “Who’s going to fix this?” and start asking, “What can I do today?”
Because freedom begins the moment responsibility does.
The mystery that never needed solving — and your own life, already in motion. Choose which one gets your attention.
The Bottom Line
Accept these three truths. If they wanted to, they would. You can’t change people. Your happiness is your responsibility.
You’ll stop chasing people who are already running away.
You’ll stop trying to renovate people who never asked for construction.
And you’ll stop postponing your own life while waiting for someone else to hand you permission to be happy.
Reality isn’t always kind.
But it’s almost always simpler than the stories we invent to avoid it.
Back to the Chair
My client took her phone back and looked at the message for a long moment. “So ‘ok’ means…”
“Ok,” I said. “It means ok. It took him three seconds to write, and it took you two days to read. That difference is the answer to a question you haven’t asked yet.”
I touched a related thread in a previous piece on the birthday party where only five friends came — the father who found out who cared by telling everyone his son was in trouble. Same principle, opposite direction: the people who want to be in your life leave evidence. Everyone else leaves explanations. You don’t need to decode either one.
She booked her next appointment on the way out. Some decisions, it turns out, get easier the moment you stop outsourcing them.
The Salon California Journal is a space for ideas, culture, and conversation from my chair in Brasschaat, Belgium. I write about beauty, technology, society, and the intersections between them.
